Miscarriage

How ironic. After letting everyone know about being pregnant and being excited that I have a miscarriage.
Maybe I shouldn't be telling everyone about this, but I feel like it might be therapeutic for me.

I started spotting over the weekend, but I thought it was because of the blood bubble behind my placenta, that my doctor told me about, and I wish it had been. It started to get worse with each day. Sunday I knew it wasn't good. I called the ER and asked them what the signs of a miscarriage were and they told me. I didn't have that much blood so I tried to reassure myself that it wasn't that. Jeff was studying that night at the library so I went to bed and kept praying to Heavenly Father to please not let me have a miscarriage. I didn't fully believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, but I said them anyway. I did feel comforted that night, I knew no matter what happens everything's going to be ok and it's for the best.

 Monday morning I woke up and there was more blood than usual. I got in the shower and started crying. I knew it was going to be a bad day. I went to work and had to wait until 8 to get an appointment with my OB. I was nervous. I couldn't focus at all on what I was doing. I finally was able to call and get in at 9. I had to turn the music up in my car to override all of my thoughts. I didn't want to stress anymore, my stomach was already in knots.

Jeff met me at the hospital and we went to one of the back rooms with my OB. She performed an ultrasound and we couldn't find anything or hear a heartbeat. I tried to be tough, but I couldn't believe we weren't hearing anything. I heard it at 7 weeks, how was the baby already gone. She said she was a little worried, at 11 weeks you should be able to hear a heartbeat. She sent me upstairs to get a better look from a more advanced ultrasound machine. Joe was the technician's name and she was a sweetheart. The monitor was right up on the wall so I could see it from where I was sitting. She moved that little circle wand thing over my stomach several times before finding it. Then we saw our baby.

 It was depicted as a little gray thing among the blackness and there was no heartbeat. You could see it's little head and body and it just broke my heart. Joe turned to me and said, "I'm sorry hunny, this isn't what you came to hear." No, it wasn't. I just kept looking up at the monitor. I didn't want it to be true. She left the room. Jeff and I sat hugging each other, it was a very tender moment. He started to crack some jokes and I did too and I was laugh/crying about some things. It may sound weird to just start cracking jokes right after you just heard some horrible news, but it was exactly what I needed. I just needed to laugh about something. One minute I'm laughing the next I'm crying. My emotions have been all over the place.

After hearing that this was not my fault and that miscarriages are very common we went downstairs to hear what the next step was. I had three options. Let the fetus pass naturally, that takes about two weeks, take medication that pushes the fetus out within 4 to 6 hours or get a D&C. I chose to do the medication. It's taken about 8 hours, but I think everything is out of me. It was not fun having contractions for all that time with no positive outcome.

My sweet husband took care of me, along with my dear mom who brought me dinner and was trying to clean my apartment (she can not sit still especially if there's dust on the shelves...I love you mom). I was supposed to start school yesterday and Jeff offered to go to my class for me and then teach me what he learned. I couldn't ask for a better husband. My friend Brooke came over too. When I asked her if she got my text, she said no, I've just been thinking about you all day. She didn't even know what had happened. I know my Heavenly Father is watching over me. Jeff's mom also came over to visit and brought me a yummy keva juice. The support from others has been wonderful. At first I was so embarrassed that I had told everyone about being pregnant, but it has helped build up the best support system. Thank you to all my friends and family. I appreciate the positivity and the advice. I know I'll be able to have children some day and I know I'll be a mom. I also know miscarriage is a common thing, but it's just hard right now.

Bun in the Oven

If you already haven't heard...I'm pregnant! 

People have been asking me a lot of questions, so for

those who I have not talked to here's my pregnancy story. 

Jeff and I started trying in about January. 

It only took a few months before finding out.

One Saturday morning Jeff asks me, "Have you started yet?"

I said, "No, I think I've got a few more days." ...weird that he knows my schedule better than me! 

I look at my calendar, "mmm I was supposed to start yesterday"

(Aunt Flow visits me EVERY 28 days without fail)

"If it doesn't come by tomorrow I'll take a prego test"

Jeff and I got a phone call that Sunday morning from 

our dear friend's brother-in-law. He told us Garrett wasn't going 

to make it after being in an avalanche accident and we should 

come to the hospital and say our goodbye's. 

After leaving the hospital and thinking about life, Jeff tells me we're 

going to the grocery store to get a test. I got home, pulled out one of 

those sticks and did what you're supposed to do. 

I sat and stared at it on the counter, don't worry I've cleaned the counter since. 

Ever so SLOWLY the lines started to form. 

The test was positive. 

I stood there with my eyes glued to it. I couldn't believe I was pregnant! 

The combination of sadness from earlier that day and the rush of happiness 

created a numb feeling inside.

We were still trying to take in the fact that our friend just passed away, when we 

found out I had a little baby forming in my stomach.

 It felt very surreal. 

I emailed my doctor to tell him I was pregnant. His nurse told me I 

needed to get my hormone levels tested just to be sure. 

The nurse called me the day after getting my blood drawn. 

"Hi pregnant lady!"

I'm with my dad in the car...and he doesn't know anything. 

I quickly turn my volume down on my phone. 

"Hi."

We got your test results back and your levels are pretty high. 

OK...I'm thinking what does that mean?

You might be having twins! 

Oh wow. I look over at my dad to make sure he didn't hear anything. 

My brain is screaming WHAT! 

She says I should have told you to sit down before telling you that news. 

I'm glad I was sitting down. 

After hearing that information I scheduled an ultrasound. 

I had to wait two weeks to find out whether I was having twins or not. 

I was so excited and so scared. I didn't know what to think. 

When the screen was focused and the doctor told me there was ONE little 

baby growing, I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. 

I was relieved, but I had gotten a little excited to have twins. 

It would have been one crazy adventure. 

But I'm excited to have one, and have a less crazy adventure. 

I was only 7 weeks at the time, but we were able to hear the heartbeat that day! 

It was incredible. At that moment it wasn't surreal anymore. 

I realized our baby was actually inside of me and I'm going to be a mom!

I'm at 11 weeks now and will continue to update on progress. 

Next week I have an ultrasound so it will be fun to see how much 

the baby has grown. 

We told our parent's last week for mother's day and here are some of the pictures. 

I did it!

I weighed in today and made it! I'm super excited and very proud. Now hopefully I can keep up my good eating habits.

Friday is my big day!

I've been in a weight loss challenge at work for the last 9 or 10 months, (I know, I know, I don't have any weight to lose, but I DID) and Friday is my FINAL weigh in. What is the challenge? Well, we had to weigh in last year and lose 5% of our body weight within 3 months. After the three months was up I weighed in and I had lost my 5%. For the last 6 months I've had to maintain that weight of 122.5 pounds and I've been doing awesome! If I weigh 122.5 on Friday I get $500, which I am sooo excited about. If I weigh in at 122 then I will get an extra $100! Right now I weigh 120 and I can't be more proud of myself. I know I'm totally bragging, but I haven't weighed this much since I was probably a sophomore in high school. I've lost a total of 25 pounds since my senior year of high school, and I'm thrilled. I definitely indulge, and I promise I don't have an eating disorder - it's all about portion control and working out. I'll let you know on Friday if I get my needed prize!