How ironic. After letting everyone know about being pregnant and being excited that I have a miscarriage.
Maybe I shouldn't be telling everyone about this, but I feel like it might be therapeutic for me.
I started spotting over the weekend, but I thought it was because of the blood bubble behind my placenta, that my doctor told me about, and I wish it had been. It started to get worse with each day. Sunday I knew it wasn't good. I called the ER and asked them what the signs of a miscarriage were and they told me. I didn't have that much blood so I tried to reassure myself that it wasn't that. Jeff was studying that night at the library so I went to bed and kept praying to Heavenly Father to please not let me have a miscarriage. I didn't fully believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, but I said them anyway. I did feel comforted that night, I knew no matter what happens everything's going to be ok and it's for the best.
Monday morning I woke up and there was more blood than usual. I got in the shower and started crying. I knew it was going to be a bad day. I went to work and had to wait until 8 to get an appointment with my OB. I was nervous. I couldn't focus at all on what I was doing. I finally was able to call and get in at 9. I had to turn the music up in my car to override all of my thoughts. I didn't want to stress anymore, my stomach was already in knots.
Jeff met me at the hospital and we went to one of the back rooms with my OB. She performed an ultrasound and we couldn't find anything or hear a heartbeat. I tried to be tough, but I couldn't believe we weren't hearing anything. I heard it at 7 weeks, how was the baby already gone. She said she was a little worried, at 11 weeks you should be able to hear a heartbeat. She sent me upstairs to get a better look from a more advanced ultrasound machine. Joe was the technician's name and she was a sweetheart. The monitor was right up on the wall so I could see it from where I was sitting. She moved that little circle wand thing over my stomach several times before finding it. Then we saw our baby.
It was depicted as a little gray thing among the blackness and there was no heartbeat. You could see it's little head and body and it just broke my heart. Joe turned to me and said, "I'm sorry hunny, this isn't what you came to hear." No, it wasn't. I just kept looking up at the monitor. I didn't want it to be true. She left the room. Jeff and I sat hugging each other, it was a very tender moment. He started to crack some jokes and I did too and I was laugh/crying about some things. It may sound weird to just start cracking jokes right after you just heard some horrible news, but it was exactly what I needed. I just needed to laugh about something. One minute I'm laughing the next I'm crying. My emotions have been all over the place.
After hearing that this was not my fault and that miscarriages are very common we went downstairs to hear what the next step was. I had three options. Let the fetus pass naturally, that takes about two weeks, take medication that pushes the fetus out within 4 to 6 hours or get a D&C. I chose to do the medication. It's taken about 8 hours, but I think everything is out of me. It was not fun having contractions for all that time with no positive outcome.
My sweet husband took care of me, along with my dear mom who brought me dinner and was trying to clean my apartment (she can not sit still especially if there's dust on the shelves...I love you mom). I was supposed to start school yesterday and Jeff offered to go to my class for me and then teach me what he learned. I couldn't ask for a better husband. My friend Brooke came over too. When I asked her if she got my text, she said no, I've just been thinking about you all day. She didn't even know what had happened. I know my Heavenly Father is watching over me. Jeff's mom also came over to visit and brought me a yummy keva juice. The support from others has been wonderful. At first I was so embarrassed that I had told everyone about being pregnant, but it has helped build up the best support system. Thank you to all my friends and family. I appreciate the positivity and the advice. I know I'll be able to have children some day and I know I'll be a mom. I also know miscarriage is a common thing, but it's just hard right now.