May 17, 2011

Miscarriage

How ironic. After letting everyone know about being pregnant and being excited that I have a miscarriage.
Maybe I shouldn't be telling everyone about this, but I feel like it might be therapeutic for me.

I started spotting over the weekend, but I thought it was because of the blood bubble behind my placenta, that my doctor told me about, and I wish it had been. It started to get worse with each day. Sunday I knew it wasn't good. I called the ER and asked them what the signs of a miscarriage were and they told me. I didn't have that much blood so I tried to reassure myself that it wasn't that. Jeff was studying that night at the library so I went to bed and kept praying to Heavenly Father to please not let me have a miscarriage. I didn't fully believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, but I said them anyway. I did feel comforted that night, I knew no matter what happens everything's going to be ok and it's for the best.

 Monday morning I woke up and there was more blood than usual. I got in the shower and started crying. I knew it was going to be a bad day. I went to work and had to wait until 8 to get an appointment with my OB. I was nervous. I couldn't focus at all on what I was doing. I finally was able to call and get in at 9. I had to turn the music up in my car to override all of my thoughts. I didn't want to stress anymore, my stomach was already in knots.

Jeff met me at the hospital and we went to one of the back rooms with my OB. She performed an ultrasound and we couldn't find anything or hear a heartbeat. I tried to be tough, but I couldn't believe we weren't hearing anything. I heard it at 7 weeks, how was the baby already gone. She said she was a little worried, at 11 weeks you should be able to hear a heartbeat. She sent me upstairs to get a better look from a more advanced ultrasound machine. Joe was the technician's name and she was a sweetheart. The monitor was right up on the wall so I could see it from where I was sitting. She moved that little circle wand thing over my stomach several times before finding it. Then we saw our baby.

 It was depicted as a little gray thing among the blackness and there was no heartbeat. You could see it's little head and body and it just broke my heart. Joe turned to me and said, "I'm sorry hunny, this isn't what you came to hear." No, it wasn't. I just kept looking up at the monitor. I didn't want it to be true. She left the room. Jeff and I sat hugging each other, it was a very tender moment. He started to crack some jokes and I did too and I was laugh/crying about some things. It may sound weird to just start cracking jokes right after you just heard some horrible news, but it was exactly what I needed. I just needed to laugh about something. One minute I'm laughing the next I'm crying. My emotions have been all over the place.

After hearing that this was not my fault and that miscarriages are very common we went downstairs to hear what the next step was. I had three options. Let the fetus pass naturally, that takes about two weeks, take medication that pushes the fetus out within 4 to 6 hours or get a D&C. I chose to do the medication. It's taken about 8 hours, but I think everything is out of me. It was not fun having contractions for all that time with no positive outcome.

My sweet husband took care of me, along with my dear mom who brought me dinner and was trying to clean my apartment (she can not sit still especially if there's dust on the shelves...I love you mom). I was supposed to start school yesterday and Jeff offered to go to my class for me and then teach me what he learned. I couldn't ask for a better husband. My friend Brooke came over too. When I asked her if she got my text, she said no, I've just been thinking about you all day. She didn't even know what had happened. I know my Heavenly Father is watching over me. Jeff's mom also came over to visit and brought me a yummy keva juice. The support from others has been wonderful. At first I was so embarrassed that I had told everyone about being pregnant, but it has helped build up the best support system. Thank you to all my friends and family. I appreciate the positivity and the advice. I know I'll be able to have children some day and I know I'll be a mom. I also know miscarriage is a common thing, but it's just hard right now.

14 comments:

  1. Reading this seriously broke my heart Ash... :( I am so sorry. I know it's hard to hear, but I truly believe everything happens for a reason. And your sweet baby obviously didn't need to prove him/herself in this hard world, so I hope you find comfort in that. I love you!

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  2. Hi Ashton. I'n Brian's wife (Jeff's cousin). I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. We love you both and are praying for you.

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  3. I'm so sorry, my thoughts are with you both.

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  4. Ash I am so sorry! I know it's been a while since I've seen you but I honestly adore you and hate that we haven't kept in touch. You have such a strength and such a sweet spirit! Heavenly father loves you and just think, we love our little ones so much, but you are going to love your children even more because you'll be able to truly appreciate what it means to have them! That's a powerful thing!
    You're amazing :) and you're going to be an AMAZING mom when the time comes!

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  5. i'm so sorry ash!! i love you and were praying for you guys. please let me know if you need anything at all. you're going to be an amazing mom when it happens!!

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  6. Hi Ashton. I hope it's ok that Aaron and I stalk your blog. We're so sorry to hear about your miscarriage! Let us know if there is anything we can do.

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  7. Oh Ashton, I know I already said some of this to you, but I love you so much. The first thing I thought of when you I read your text was us sitting in my living room crying at 7th Heaven (weird that I thought of that?) and I was all the sudden feeling really grown up and grateful for good friends. You know that everyone loves you and Jeff and is praying for you. You were there for me during my trial a few years ago and I only hope I can be even half as supportive as you were to me. You are amazing and you will be a mom again one day, probably one day soon! I have no doubt in my mind about that. Loooveee you ash mon! (or ash jen i guess)

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  8. Oh Ashton, I am so sorry. I miscarried my first pregnancy too. And my miscarriage started the weekend after I had elaborately told my family, which was so awkward. We had only known for a month, and the baby was so tiny but it was amazing how sad I was about it. On the positive side, it let me know how much I wanted to be a mom, and I also kept thinking about what the doctor told me; that if the baby self aborts, there is usually a good reason for it.
    Anyway, I am so sorry, miscarriage is a painful, lonely time. Give yourself a break and some time to grieve. Good luck.

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  9. Ashton I am so so sorry. I can only imagine how hard this has been for you! It brought tears to my eyes. You are so loved by everyone and I am glad that you have such great support! You are so strong and beautiful...and you will be a mom one day, a really wonderful mom!!! The amazing Ashton that I know will become stronger because of this :) I love you Ash!!! Let me know if there is anything I can do for you...

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  10. Hey cute girl! You prob don't remember me from high school... but I have totally been there and done this.. TWICE! After I read your post, I cried for you. (call me a blog-stalker.. whatever ha) I know how your heart hurts. I know how your freakin cramps hurt, and the constant reminder of all of it. I know how it hurts to see pregnant girls, or read more blogs that announce pregnancy. I know it all.. too well. If I could hug you right now, I would. I'm so sorry! I hope you know you are in my prayers, and if you want to email me..please do. It hurts, and I get it. - Lisa (cox) Healey

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  11. Oh and my email is lisaandbretthealey@hotmail.com.

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  12. I'm sorry for your lose. if you need anything let me know i may be in price but when we get back if you need someone to talk to just let me know.

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  13. oh ashton we are so sorry. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you guys. but i am so happy that you did tell your friends and family because that is why we are blessed to have them, they help us through our trials. we missed seeing you this weekend. i feel so dumb because i had no idea of any of this. so please tell jeff that jake and i are both sorry and know that we are both thinking of you and praying for you. you said it best, you will be a mom someday, and i know that someday is very soon. you are going to be an amazing mom ashton. please let us know if there is anything we can do for you two. if anything we would REALLY love to get together soon!
    we love you guys.

    love jen & jake

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